The Top 6 Ways We Mess Up With Our Partners (And How to Fix the Communication Pitfall)
- luxembourgwoman
- Aug 4, 2023
- 5 min read
Get a hold of your communication skills with this simple guide.
Communication is hard, you guys. Like, really hard. Especially with someone we love so much. It's easy to fall into patterns that undermine our relationships without even realizing it. But fear not! Psychological research reveals the most common communication pitfalls, and science has some tips to help us avoid catastrophe. Read on for a roundup of how to stop accidentally ruining your relationship through poor communication skills!
Mistake #1: Mind Reading - Communication Pitfall of all time
Avoiding this communication pitfall involves asking openly what is one one's mind. Instead of asking directly, we try to guess what our partner is thinking and feeling. Studies show mind reading leads to more conflicts. [1] Their facial expression seems annoyed? Must be something I did! Try asking openly instead. Maybe you are 100% sure of what your partner will say next. Not so fast! You could be assuming way too much and stifling the real meaning of your partner.
Suggestion #1
Person A: "Hey, you seem upset. Did I do something wrong?"
Person B: "Actually, I'm just stressed about work."
Person A: "I know what you are thinking. Why don't you just come out and say you are mad at me because I left the dishes in the sink."
Person B: "Nope, that's not it. I had a rough day at work..."
Example: You assume your partner is angry because they mentioned they mentioned the dirty dishes, but without asking them directly, you are "Mind Reading."
Tip: Instead of assuming, ask open-ended questions to clarify your partner's needs and wants. For example, "What can I do to help you de-stress? Do you have any preferences?"
Mistake #2: Criticizing
Criticizing your partner puts them on the defensive. Being called "lazy" or "inconsiderate" makes them feel judged. Research shows constructive complaints avoid judgment. [2] "I feel overwhelmed when the chores aren't shared" is better than "you're so lazy."
Suggestion #2
Person A: "You're always so lazy and never help me with chores."
Person B: "I feel like I'm being judged and attacked. Can we find a way to discuss this without name-calling?"
Person A: "Fine, I guess I could have phrased it better. I feel overwhelmed with the housework and would appreciate some help."
Person B: "I understand and I'm happy to help out more. Let's make a schedule for chores."
Example: You tell your partner, "You always leave your dirty socks on the floor, it's so disgusting!"
Tip: Instead of criticizing, use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, "I feel frustrated when I see dirty socks on the floor. Can we find a solution together?"
Mistake #3: Defensiveness
When criticized, we can respond defensively. But psychology says this escalates conflicts. [3] Better to listen non-defensively. If your partner complains you're distracted, hear them out instead of arguing.
Suggestion #3
Person A: "I can't believe you're accusing me of being distracted all the time!"
Person B: "I'm not accusing you, I just feel like we don't have quality time together because you're always on your phone."
Person A: "I'm not on my phone that much! And besides, you're the one who's always busy with work."
Person B: "I understand that you may feel defensive, but let's try to listen to each other's concerns without getting defensive."
Example: Your partner mentions that they feel hurt by something you said, and you immediately respond with, "I didn't mean it like that, you're just as bad as I am!"
Tip: Instead of becoming defensive, listen to your partner's concerns and validate their feelings. For example, "I understand that my phone scrolling makes you feel neglected, and My apologies for that. Can we talk about how I can communicate better?"
Mistake #4: Stonewalling
Tuning out during conflict through stonewalling or withdrawal worsens issues per studies. [4] Stay engaged in the conversation, even when it's uncomfortable. Silence solves nothing.
Suggestion #4
Person A: "I'm not going to engage in this conversation. You're just trying to pick a fight."
Person B: "I'm not trying to pick a fight, I just want to talk about how we can improve our communication."
Person A: "I don't want to talk about it. Can we just drop it?"
Person B: "I understand that this conversation may be uncomfortable, but avoiding it won't solve anything. Can we please just have a civil conversation?"
Example: Your partner tries to talk to you about a problem, but you ignore them or change the subject.
Tip: Instead of stonewalling, stay engaged in the conversation and listen actively. For example, "I understand that this conversation is uncomfortable, but I want to hear your concerns and work together to find a solution."
Mistake #5: Contempt
Belittling your partner with sarcasm, name-calling, sneering - this contempt erodes relationships fast, research reveals. [5] Disagree kindly instead.
Suggestion #5
Person A: "You're so stupid for not knowing how to use the new coffee machine."
Person B: "Name-calling isn't going to help us solve this problem. Can we try to communicate respectfully?"
Example: You roll your eyes or make a sarcastic comment when your partner shares their thoughts or feelings.
Tip: Instead of showing contempt, respond with empathy and respect. For example, "I understand that you have a different perspective, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts."
Mistake #6: Invalidation
When we act like our partner's feelings are irrational or unimportant, psychology classifies this as invalidation. [6] Validating our partner's emotions demonstrates caring.
Suggestion #6
Person A: "You're just being paranoid, there's nothing to worry about."
Person B: "I understand that you may not agree with my concerns, but can you at least acknowledge how I feel?"
Person A: "I guess I didn't realize how much this was bothering you. Let's talk about it and see if we can find a solution."
Person B: "Thank you for taking my feelings seriously. I appreciate that."
Example: Your partner shares their feelings about a situation, and you respond by telling them they're wrong or dismissing their emotions.
Tip: Instead of invalidating, acknowledge and validate your partner's emotions. For example, "I understand that you feel worried about this, and My apologies for dismissing your concerns earlier."
References:
[1] Overall et al, "Partners' perceptions of intimacy: The role of specific behaviors and relationship length," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2012)
[2] Gottman et al, “The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (1993)
[3] Markman et al, “The prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (1993)
[4] Gottman, The Marriage Clinic (1999)
[5] Gottman, “The role of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (1993)
[6] Fruzzetti, “Validating and invalidating behavior in couple relationships: A conceptual analysis and practical applications,” Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy (2011)
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