DARVO: manipulation technique

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a wild ride through the twisted world of DARVO—the acronym that sounds like a superhero, but don't be fooled! You may have been a victim. Read on to learn what master manipulators use in their games.

In today's blog post, we will explore the DARVO method—an effective manipulation strategy often employed in various interpersonal interactions. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and it offers a way to understand and respond to situations where individuals may attempt to manipulate or evade responsibility. Let's dive into this powerful technique and learn how it can be utilized.

DARVO is an acronym that describes a three-step process used by people who wish to avoid accountability or shift blame in a situation. It was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freed, a renowned psychologist and scholar who extensively studied betrayal and perpetration. Here's a breakdown of each step:

Deny: This step involves the person denying any wrongdoing or responsibility for their actions. They may refuse to acknowledge their behavior or claim that it never occurred. Denial is a common tactic used to evade accountability.
Attack: In the second step, the person turns the tables and attacks the credibility or character of the individual confronting them. By shifting the focus onto the accuser, they attempt to divert attention away from their own actions. This attack may involve undermining the accuser's credibility or using personal attacks.
Reverse Victim and Offender: In the final step, the person reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim and the accuser as the wrongdoer. They may present themselves as misunderstood or unjustly targeted, thereby deflecting blame and manipulating the narrative.

Denial

When confronted with their wrongdoing, narcissistic individuals deny any responsibility or claim that the incident never occurred. They may even ignore solid evidence to maintain their innocence.

For example a person confronts their narcissistic partner about infidelity. The partner flatly denies any wrongdoing, insisting that they have always been faithful and accusing the accuser of being paranoid or insecure. They completely disregard any evidence presented, dismissing it as fabricated or irrelevant.

Attack

In response to being called out, the person who is manipulating launches an aggressive counterattack. This can involve demeaning the accuser, making threats, or using personal information against them. The goal is to shift the focus away from their actions and intimidate the accuser.

"Even your own family doesn't like you. You don't know what is a relationship. Maybe you need therapy to deal with your issues."." – common narcissistic attacks

In response to being confronted about their behavior, the narcissistic individual launches a vicious attack. They may start belittling their partner, questioning their sanity, and launching personal attacks on their character. For instance, they might say, "You're crazy for even thinking I would cheat. You've always been overly jealous and insecure. Even your own family doesn't like you. You don't know what is a relationship. Maybe you need therapy to deal with your issues."

Reversal of Victim and Offender

In the final stage, narcissists portray themselves as the victims and the accuser as the aggressor. They twist the narrative, alleging that they are misunderstood, unfairly targeted, or subject to a witch hunt. By doing so, they deflect blame and manipulate others' perception of the situation.

After attacking the accuser, the narcissistic partner flips the script and presents themselves as the victim. They might play the victim card by saying things like, "I can't believe you're accusing me of cheating. I've always been loyal and dedicated to this relationship. You're the one hurting me with your baseless accusations. I thought you trusted and supported me."

Recognising and Responding to DARVO

Understanding DARVO empowers individuals to identify and respond to manipulative tactics effectively. Here's how to navigate DARVO in narcissistic relationships:

Be aware of the pattern: Recognize the stages of denial, attack, and victim-offender reversal when confronted with accountability. Knowing the playbook helps you maintain clarity and avoid falling into their manipulative trap.
Stay grounded: Keep your emotions in check and remain composed when engaging with a narcissistic individual. This allows you to think rationally and respond strategically rather than getting caught up in their attempts to provoke you.
Document evidence: Gather concrete evidence of their actions, such as messages, emails, or recordings, to counter their denial effectively. Having documented proof helps protect your position and exposes their manipulative tactics.
Set boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations, refusing to engage in personal attacks or accept false blame. Stay focused on addressing the issue at hand, sticking to facts and maintaining a level-headed approach.
Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can offer guidance and support during challenging situations. Having a support network provides you with perspective and helps validate your experience.

Tip #1 - be aware of the pattern

Recognise the stages of denial, attack, and victim-offender reversal when confronted with accountability. Knowing the playbook helps you maintain clarity and avoid falling into their manipulative trap.

Tip #2 - stay grounded

Keep your emotions in check and remain composed when engaging with a narcissistic individual. This allows you to think rationally and respond strategically rather than getting caught up in their attempts to provoke you.

Tip #3 - document evidence

Gather concrete evidence of their actions, such as messages, emails, or letters, to counter their denial effectively. Having documented proof helps protect your position and exposes their manipulative tactics.

Tip #4 - set boundaries

Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations, refusing to engage in personal attacks or accept false blame. Stay focused on addressing the issue at hand, sticking to facts and maintaining a level-headed approach. Remind yourself that you are not the one engaged in manipulation. In fact, make a checklist of the steps used against you - it will help you see it as a tactic and feel less personal.

Tip #5 - seek support

Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can offer guidance and support during challenging situations. Having a support network provides you with perspective and helps validate your experience.

Have you experienced DARVO?