Why Do You Lie About Your Feelings?

We all present carefully curated versions of ourselves to the world. But as psychologists know, our deepest truths often lurk just outside conscious awareness.

Consider reaction formation - when our beliefs seem at odds with our desires. It's one thing Freudian theory has shed light on, though the concept remains an enigma.

We all know that friend, yearning for love and connection, but he finds himself perpetually alone, unable to form meaningful relationships. It is a situation that would typically prompt self-improvement, but in the paradoxical realm of brain's defence mechanism something entirely unexpected occurs.

Instead of acknowledging his profound desire for love, he outwardly embraces misogynistic views. On the surface, it appears as though he is repelled by love, when in reality, he craves it desperately.

This is your superego

Spot-On Sigmund

We all have those little secrets tucked deep in the dark recesses of our minds - you know, the fleeting fantasies or private pleasures we'd never admit to another living soul. It turns out, the reason so many of us keep these juicy tidbits under lock and key isn't just embarrassment or social taboo. According to some top shrinks, our subconscious is quietly working behind the scenes to distance us from desires that don't fit with who we think we should be.

Sigmund, the man who started it all, argued that our inner psyche is made up of three parts - the id, ego, and superego.

The id is our primal, pleasure-seeking desires. You know, all the hedonistic impulses we were born with but must tamp down to function in polite society.

The superego is basically the annoying little angel on our shoulder reminding us of rules, responsibilities, and what's "proper."

Caught in the middle is the ego, constantly mediating between our desires and moral sensibilities.

Sigmund saw it coming in his day. Our inner psyche split between pleasure-seeking id, rule-following superego, and our ego playing a referee. When base desire clashes with social codes, the ego pulls quite the switcheroo.

Instead of manning up and admitting our "filthy" inner fantasies, the ego starts screaming the complete opposite to the forbidden desire.

By overcompensating this way, the ego hopes to avoid cognitive dissonance - that nasty mental state we enter when we disagree with ourselves.

Lying About Feelings

Ever notice that homophobic preacher who gets busted messaging twinks on Grindr? Or the anti-gay politician with a wide stance in the men's room? These poor souls were likely grappling with unacceptable desires that violated their public persona. Their ego's way of keeping the id and superego from total revolt was to crusade against "the gays" while secretly acting on their true feelings. Ain't the subconscious a stinker?

On a less scandalous level, reaction formation pops up everywhere in daily life. Maybe you hate your job but can't admit it, so you lecture others on "loving what you do." Or you secretly crave cheeseburgers but preach veganism to friends and family - ever wondered why all the vegan options always try to look like meat (vegan burger, vegan bacon or vegan chicken)?

That time you told your mom opera was "boring" even though Les Miz secretly slays you? Yup, reaction formation in action.

Ego's Feelings Survival

It's a fascinating survival tactic hardwired deep within our psyche. By masking taboo desires underneath pious preaching, our ego protects us from tremendous inner conflict. Of course, too much repression can backfire in spectacular ways too. Just ask Ted Haggard!

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2006/nov/04/usa.religion

Reverend Ted, a case study for the ages! By day, he crusaded against "the gays" with fervor that could split hairs. But come nightfall, the good pastor was trolling Grindr. His ego, trapped between id and superego, took the coward's route - branding homosexuals an affront to morality while privately acting on taboo passion.

Id's Defences Revealed

For decades, psychoanalysis shed light on the subconscious tactics we use to avoid discomfort, from repression to reaction formation. But as Daniel Ziegler argues in his 2016 paper, we can understand these defenses on an even deeper level through the lens of Rational Emotive Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Ziegler, a professor at Villanova University notes, it's not our primal urges that trigger reaction formation, but irrational beliefs like the idea that anger is never acceptable.

You migh recognise some other defnece mechanism you use to hide you deisres or feelings:

Repression - Blocking unconscious irrational beliefs from conscious awareness.

Projection - Attributing one's own unacceptable thoughts/feelings onto others.

Displacement - Transferring unacceptable feelings about one person onto a safer target.

Rationalization - Making excuses to justify experiences that cast you negatively.

Reaction Formation - Turning forbidden desires into their opposites through denial.

Denial - Rejecting awareness of truths that challenge positive self/world views.

Regression - Reverting to childlike behaving when frustration becomes intolerable.

Intellectualization - Explaining away problems with reasons instead of feelings.

Sublimation - Channeling forbidden/unacceptable impulses into constructive outlets.

Alright, let's lighten the mood a bit - there's been enough of the psychoanalytic mumbo jumbo in this article! While understanding our internal workings can be a pretty serious biz, life's too short not to find humor even in its darker nooks.

So next time Congressman Ted gets up on his high horse about "family values" or Chad declares he's sworn off dating after the fifth default Tinder profile of the week, pay no attention to the protestations.

If on the other hand you catch yourself loudly declaring beliefs that seem inauthentic, take a step back. There may be a naughty id impulse hiding beneath the surface that your beleaguered ego is desperately trying to escape. Who knows - you could be just one cheeseburger away from self-acceptance!

Refrences:

Ziegler, D. P. (2016). Defense mechanisms according to Rational Emotive Cognitive Behavior Therapy. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation and Therapy, 11(3-4), 9-12.