Stuck with Mr Mediocre? The Love Delusion

Psychologist have names for the reasons you feel stuck in a mediocre relationship. Read on to understand your-totally-human self.

Loss Aversion or Love Latching: The tendency to hold onto familiar relationships, even if they're not extraordinary, due to the fear of losing emotional investments and the comfort of the known.

Hot-Hand-Fallacy or The Love Delusion: The mistaken belief that occasional moments of connection and warmth in a relationship are signs of a continuous streak of happiness, leading to an inflated perception of the relationship's overall quality.

Let me illustrate this with a short story about Jane.

Stuck with Mr Mediocre

Meet Jane, a smart, vivacious woman who's seen her fair share of relationships. In her latest romantic escapade, she finds herself with Mark—an okay guy who's not exactly setting fireworks off in her heart. Mark is dependable, reliable, and well, just plain average. Their dates consist of quiet evenings watching TV and the occasional dinner out.

Jane often wonders if there's something more out there, someone who can sweep her off her feet and ignite that passionate spark she's been yearning for.

But there's a catch: Jane has invested time and effort into her relationship with Mark. They've shared experiences, inside jokes, and built a comfortable routine.

The thought of giving that up feels like losing a part of herself.

Love Latching

This is where loss aversion (1) or what we termed love latching makes its grand entrance. Jane, like many of us, values what she already has more than the potential gains from seeking something better.

The discomfort of imagining life without Mark outweighs the excitement of discovering a more fulfilling romantic connection.

It's not about whether Mark is the best match; it's about the fear of the unknown and the pain of parting with something familiar.

As Jane contemplates whether to stay or to take a leap into the unknown, loss aversion whispers in her ear, "What if the next guy is worse? What if you can't find someone who's as understanding as Mark? Are you really ready to throw away all the memories you've created?"

The Love Delusion

But wait, there's a twist—enter the hot-hand fallacy (2) as we nicknamed it the love delusion, a close cousin of Jane's predicament. This fallacy tricks individuals into believing that a streak of success in one domain will continue in another, even if they're unrelated.

Jane, too, experiences her version of the love delusion.

Every time Mark surprises her with a heartfelt gesture, the delusion inflates those moments into a grand narrative.

That time he cooked her favorite meal? Clearly, he's a chef extraordinaire in the making. The day he remembered their anniversary? He's practically a romantic poet.

These individual moments of warmth and connection blur into a continuous "delusion" of happiness, further confusing Jane.

The Perfect Storm in Jane's heart and mind

The entanglement of Love Latching and The Love Delusion deepens as loss aversion intertwines with the hot-hand fallacy.

Jane's fear of letting go of the investment she's made into her relationship combines with her inflated perception of Mark's romantic capabilities.

In her mind, she's facing the dilemma of giving up a consistent, if mediocre, source of comfort for the unknown.

Jane's story is a classic example of how psychological biases can create a potent cocktail of emotions and decisions. Loss aversion and the hot-hand fallacy, though often studied in the realms of finance and sports, weave their intricate dance through the labyrinth of love. We're left with a poignant reminder that the human heart is a realm where rationality often takes a backseat to these biases.

I will bid adieu to Jane and her tangled web of emotions. And do remember that love is rarely a straightforward journey. As you navigate your own relationships, consider the unseen forces of loss aversion and the hot-hand fallacy—they might just be shaping your path more than you think.

Scientific Reference:

(1) Tversky, A., & Kahneman, D. (1991). Loss aversion in riskless choice: A reference-dependent model. The Quarterly Journal of Economics, 106(4), 1039-1061.

(2) Gilovich, T., Vallone, R., & Tversky, A. (1985). The hot hand in basketball: On the misperception of random sequences. Cognitive Psychology, 17(3), 295-314.