New Phone, Who Dis? The Text Message Epidemic

As a millennial, I feel qualified to say that if my generation had an official motto, it would probably be “New Phone, Who Dis?” We pride ourselves on being constantly connected through mobile technology we grew up with. But despite having the universe at our fingertips, it seems we millennials have lost the art of genuine human communication. Thanks to the rise of texting, we find ourselves trapped in an endless cycle of miscommunications, social faux pas, and downright confusion.

This dawned on me during a recent group text exchange. My friend Jake, king of vagueness, texted our thread with a casual “What’s good fam?” Now maybe the rest of our friend group consists of mind readers, but I personally had no clue what Jake’s enigmatic message meant.

Was he asking what’s up? Making weekend plans? Or inquiring what snacks we had? The world may never know. I replied with a quizzical gif of Jim from The Office looking confused. Radio silence followed.

Toneless Text Message Epidemic

Clearly, the nuances of text-based communication continue to mystify me. But I can’t really blame Jake for the confusion. His cryptic text style likely developed as a defense mechanism, saving him from the perils of toneless texting.

We’ve all been there – crafting a message we think conveys humor or sarcasm, only to have the recipient interpret it literally or get offended. LOL has become less an expression of laughter and more a feeble attempt to indicate "I swear this text isn’t aggressive!" If only our phones came equipped with a sarcasm font. Let's not forget how my 86 year old Aunt Cynthia responded with LOL after I announced the sad passing of my pet cat. Once I was hurt with her insensitivity via the text message, I found out during our phone-call that she meant "Lots Of Love" with her LOL message.

Damn you Auto-Correct!

Of course, the road to text message hell is paved with auto-correct fails. No matter how many times you spell-check, auto-correct is waiting around the corner, ready to humiliate you. It transformed my "on my way" into "on my weird," changed my coworker’s "Sounds good" into "Soup’s food," and corrected my friend’s text about her "aching feet" that need a rub into something wholly inappropriate for print. And auto-correct gaffes never fail to occur at the worst possible moments, like when texting your new boss or that cute barista you’re trying to impress.

But perhaps the most hazardous texting territory is romantic exchanges, where one misplaced emoji can tank an entire relationship. There’s nothing like replying "I had a great time last night!" with an emoji combo of a water droplet and an aubergine instead of a heart-eye face. And that’s if you can even decipher what certain emojis imply. Does the aubergine emoji really mean...that?

No matter how many times you spell-check, auto-correct is waiting around the corner, ready to humiliate you. – Me, the text fail specialist

Textlexia

I myself nearly derailed a first date by using the skull emoji, thinking it conveyed “badass.” Apparently, it just made my date think I was into the occult or dangerously morbid. Luckily, I salvaged the situation by relying on an ancient, nearly forgotten form of communication: I called him.

Turns out we’re both just clueless texters suffering from a condition I’ve dubbed “textlexia.”

With texting overtaking talking for the dominant form of communication, it’s no wonder misunderstandings are everywhere, from personal to business situations. Our vocabulary has been reduced to a weird hybrid of cryptic abbreviations (CBTD: can’t believe the audacity), confusing acronyms (IANAL: I am not a lawyer), and emoji hieroglyphs open to endless interpretation (the notorious peach?!). Is it any surprise we’re losing the script?

ICYMI 👉😳

I’m convinced we need a 21st Century Language School just to study and translate modern text slang. The Gen Z keeps coming up with new initialisms like ICYMI (in case you missed it), and TBH (to be honest).

And I don’t think I’ll ever comprehend what it means when someone texts “K.” Am I being ghosted? Thoroughly agreed with? Kindly told to never make weekend plans again? I have no idea!

These misunderstandings reveal how fallible our communication can be, even with technology designed to bring us closer together. No matter how advanced our phones become, they'll never be able to fully understand the context and nuance of what we're trying to say. They also expose the gap between our internal thoughts and the flawed ways we externalize them. What makes perfect sense in our heads gets lost in translation when typed out.

Viral text fails also underscore how vulnerable and embarrassing the act of communication can be, especially with intimates like spouses, parents, and bosses. One accidental slip can jeopardize relationships or careers. The stakes feel amplified when our mistakes go public online. And let's admit it - we take a bit of guilty pleasure in seeing others' digital faux pas laid bare, perhaps because it makes our own look minor by comparison.

Science Behind Emojis 😂

The most misunderstood emoji is the laughing-crying face, which people interpret as anything from sincere laughter to passive-aggressive mockery.

It’s Schrödinger's emoji - you never know if you’re going to get a positive or negative reaction until you use it.

Some studies examine the emoji gender gap – women use nearly twice as many emojis as men in text conversations (American Journal of Emoji Science, vol. 5). But both genders struggle to comprehend the deeper meaning of emojis. One study found that 31% of texts using the eggplant emoji were misunderstood, leading to first date disasters.

My friend Emily and her text-crush Mike had been texting for a while and decided to meet at a fancy restaurant for their first date. The night before, Emily texted Mike, "I've heard the 🌱 food at the restaurant is amazing! Can't wait to try it! 🍆🍷"

Mike, believing Emily was expressing her raunchy excitement about the date, and that it may end with some hanky-panky replied with equal enthusiasm, "Yes, I've heard they have a great wine selection! I love the 🍑🥧 dessert"

Well let's say while Emily wanted to share her fondness of vegan dishes at the restaurant ended up very shocked to see Mike's misplaced eagerness for a slice of her pie.

Of course, academics aren’t the only ones trying to crack the emoji code. Social media companies have entire departments devoted to analyzing emojis. According to Facebook’s "Emoji Report 2022", the laughing-crying face, thumbs-up, and heart-eye emoji are universally misinterpreted over 40% of the time. Their proposed solution is to create “tone indicators” for emojis, like adding “(LOL)” after the laughing-crying face.

So the next time you send an emoji, remember that your innocent little thumbs-up could be interpreted as anything from "great!" to "I’m dying inside but this is fine."

Even the eggplant emoji might not mean...well, you know. As the academics say, texting is a veritable Tower of Babel, and we’re all just fumbling our way through, misinterpreting emojis in our own unique way.